Just Be Kind

28 min readSep 26, 2022

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”

Skeptico: You have talked a lot about the great wisdom figures, but I feel so inadequate in comparison. Give me something simple I can do right now.

Wisdom Seeker: Just be kind.

A few traits are most often associated with the saints and sages of history, and working to develop one of these is a good way to move toward fulfillment.

Those mentioned earlier include love, compassion, inner peace, getting to know yourself, becoming clear about your intentions, thinking more about others, working toward something you feel is worthwhile, and learning to direct your attention. But the simplest one I know is practicing kindness. It is something you can do right now: Practice kindness toward everyone you meet as often as you can.

Skeptico: But the world is a difficult place, and it seems to be especially difficult right now. There is so much anger, bitterness, suspicion — even hostility and violence.

Wisdom Seeker: Yes, but if there is a way through to a better place, it will involve finding a way to be kinder to each other.

Skeptico: What about the law of the jungle — kill or be killed; look out for number one; the survival of the fittest.

Wisdom Seeker: Those instincts are definitely a part of us. But a number of other currents in human beings intrigued Darwin and continue to confound behaviorists: the strong tendencies toward love, compassion, and kindness.

These currents form the heart of the message of the founders of all the great wisdom traditions: Confucius, the Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and Socrates, to name a few of the most influential. All gave love, compassion, and kindness a central place.

How To Proceed

The quote at the beginning of this essay, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle,” is often attributed to Socrates, and also to Plato. Sometimes it is attributed to Philo of Alexandria, a Jewish philosopher who lived during the time of Jesus. The attribution is not clear, but the idea fits with what each taught and is so true that I think each would like being credited with it. And Plato made clear it is something we can do each day: “Kindness … is an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch. It is anything that lifts another person.”

The Buddha made lovingkindness toward other beings one of the four “sublime” attitudes it was important to cultivate. A short saying captures this beautifully:

The ocean, the king of mountains, and the mighty continents
Are not heavy burdens to bear when compared to the burden of not repaying the world’s kindness.

Confucius’ most central teaching was to become a person of Jen (the highest state a human being could reach), and to do that required developing rén, the most important virtue. The best definition I know of rén is human-heartedness — a feeling of shared humanity towards all others, expressed as kindness, goodness, compassion, deep empathy, and an attitude of benevolence and care toward others. Confucius was one of the first to give voice to the view, which so many wisdom figures share, that we are all connected.

Within the four seas, all men are brothers. That other great ancient Chinese sage, Lao-Tzu, also focused on kindness:
Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.

In the Jewish tradition, Proverbs says, “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” And Jesus, growing out of that tradition, shared many parables and teaching stories demonstrating the importance of kindness toward others. The parable of the Good Samaritan is a dramatic example of kindness toward a stranger. And at a very dramatic moment in his own life, when Jesus was about to be arrested, some of his followers said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” Without waiting for an answer, one of them struck a member of the arresting band, cutting off his right ear. But Jesus said, “No more of this!” and touched the man’s ear and healed him.

Another time, when Jesus was entering Jericho, he went to the house of a hated tax collector named Zacchaeus for dinner, and people began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.” But for Jesus, being kind was not something you did only for “the best” people or those who were treating you well. On the contrary, he said: “And if anyone takes your coat from you, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” And most strikingly, when on the cross, Jesus looked down at those who were crucifying him and said: “Father forgive them.” That is a radical act of kindness toward those acting as badly toward you as can be imagined.

Paul continued this theme in his letter to the Galatians, saying: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” And he said to the Corinthians: “Love is patient and kind.”

Muhammed continued this universal theme of kindness, saying: “Allah is kind, and he loves kindness in all matters,” and also, “You do not do evil to those who do evil to you, but you deal with them with forgiveness and kindness.”

Today

Skeptico: But all that is the distant past. What about today?

Wisdom Seeker: All those teachers were wrestling with the same issues we face today. Will we be greedy or share with others; will we be driven by power or be compassionate; will we be cruel or kind? In this current time of turmoil and division, we must either commit anew to the answers they found or find new ones — if we are to make any headway in dealing with the pressing problems of our age.

Each person and each generation are faced with the same question: How will we treat one another, especially those with whom we disagree, those who are opposed to our beliefs and values, those we judge to be hostile or angry?

These situations were exactly what the great wisdom figures were dealing with and speaking about. Most of them lived in difficult times themselves and faced great adversity. People were just as violent, argumentative, and aggressive then as today. The messages given to us by all the saints and sages were not designed for easy times, but for times when life was hard and other people were challenging.

And the same ideas have been affirmed and reinforced by the wisest men and women of every age. One of the greatest writers in western history, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, said more than two hundred years ago: “Kindness is the golden chain by which society is bound together.”

Emanuel Swedenborg, the highly influential 18th century scientist and mystic, gave a very good definition of kindness: “Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return.” The reward for kindnesses given did not come from others, but from within oneself. “It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want, and do.”

And although Zen teachers can be known for being fierce and brutally honest, when one of the best-known Zen masters in America, Suzuki Roshi, was asked by a student:

“You said we should extend ourselves in practice. In what direction should we extend ourselves?”

Suzuki Roshi responded:

“There is no direction but to be kind to everyone one by one.”

Over and over the message has been the same: If we are going to have a better world, it will only be through developing the ability to live with others in a way that brings us a feeling of inner peace and contentment. And that most definitely includes those we do not like and do not agree with.

scrabble tiles spelling out be the kind one

The Emergence of This Universal Theme

It is common for creatures to live in groups, and the dynamics of interaction within each species have been worked out over a very long period of time. For tens of thousands of years we humans developed the ways we would treat those within our own identity groups, including ways to express kindness, with each tribe developing different practices and traditions. For a very long time, however, these practices seldom involved people we did not know.

Through the millennia, when we encountered outsiders it often involved defending the tribe’s territory, and it was common to treat outsiders as “the other.” The first response was protective, perhaps distrustful. Very likely it was not to be kind. But as we humans became more numerous and individuals began traveling and trading frequently — how were we going to treat all those new people we were encountering? The question of how to deal with individuals we did not know — traders, adventurers, those who were lost or cut off from their own groups — became ever more pressing.

This issue was central to the creation of all the great religions during the Axial Age, beginning around 3000 years ago. At that time, the human population was increasing and tribal groups that had been separated, especially in China, India, and the Middle East, were running into each other more and more often. In addition, with the development of storage and exchange of crops, people were congregating in cities, and there they were much more likely to encounter those from other tribes. Thus, the issue of how to relate to those from different identity groups became ever more critical. Tribal groups could no longer simply protect their homeland from outsiders. How would we respond? How would we relate to all those “others”?

The result, frequently, was not pretty. Thus it was that wise teachers came forward with new solutions. In ancient Greece more than 3000 years ago the idea of theoxenia began to develop: Human beings were to show virtue by extending hospitality to the stranger. The idea that we should be considerate to those we did not know in order to have good lives ourselves began to take hold. In some way our own well-being was connected to being kind and considerate, even to strangers — including strangers from identity groups that were understood to be enemies of our own.

In the ancient Jewish tradition, it even began to be taught that people were to love the stranger who came into their midst (at least those who were going to live among them), for in the Torah, in Leviticus, it says, “The stranger that dwells with you shall be to you as the home-born among you, and you shall love him as yourself.”

In essence, all the founders of the wisdom traditions began to teach that we should be kind: to friends, but also to strangers; to those who seem “other” to ourselves. Confucius and Lao Tzu in China; the sages who spoke and sang the Vedas and Upanishads in India, followed by the Buddha; insightful Hebrew prophets and sages; Socrates, Plato, and many other wise Greek teachers — to name some of the best known. Each formulated remarkably similar versions of the Golden Rule, one of earliest versions of which came from Zoroaster: “That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself.”

This teaching became one of the two most common elements in all the great wisdom traditions: In addition to honoring the Mystery within which we exist, we must treat other people with kindness, respect, and consideration. The 14th Dalai Lama summed up this second teaching most succinctly: “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

Skeptico: A lot of religions say we should focus on love. What is the difference between love and kindness?

Wisdom Seeker: Using the broadest possible understanding of love, it is the most central theme of all the wisdom traditions. But there are many different ways to think about love. One common understanding is that love is a feeling. Using that, you cannot force yourself to love because you cannot force yourself to feel something. You can work at it, but you cannot force it.

Kindness, however, involves actions you take, or do not take. No matter what you are feeling, being kind is something you can always do, even if you don’t feel love for, or even “like” another. You can decide to be kind and practice it intentionally toward everyone, even those who are not being kind to you. You can’t make yourself love them, or like them, but you can be kind to them.

Is Being Kind Naïve?

Skeptico: Why should I be kind to someone who is ignoring me, let alone someone who is being rude, hostile, or mean? That would make me a patsy!

Wisdom Seeker: That is exactly what the wisdom teachers have always been speaking about.

For instance, the current Dalai Lama had to flee his homeland at the age of 23, has never been allowed to return, and hundreds of thousands of his friends and fellow Tibetans have been killed and persecuted for simply trying to maintain their way of life. It would fit the materialist view of “human nature” for him to have become bitter and angry. Instead, this was his response: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

And he practices this every day — there are thousands of stories of little kindnesses he has offered to ordinary people, and probably countless more that have never been recorded. His example of being kind in the face of struggles and difficulties has made him one of the two or three most admired and influential spiritual figures in the world today. Continually practicing kindness has become so much a part of his nature that his life has become an inspiration and affected millions of people around the world in how they think and act.

Skeptico: All right, I get it. Give me some clues about how to be kind to difficult people if I want to try.

Wisdom Seeker: For myself, I first make an effort not to respond to rudeness, meanness, or hostility with a similar energy. Responding that way is a normal reaction, but I try to remember that I am trying to be kind. This does not preclude a forceful response, however. I can be firm and kind at the same time. There is a dramatic difference between kindness and being a pushover. But I can try to respond with a different energy than what is coming toward me.

In the martial art Aikido, you turn the hostile energy coming toward you away without becoming caught up in it yourself. You might even use that negative energy as a tool to protect and defend yourself.

George Washington, Dwight Eisenhower, and Ulysses S. Grant, perhaps the three most important generals in the history of the United States, all did this to a certain degree. Each was able to assess the enemy with some perspective and not let their dislike or anger rule their actions. In fact, each became a master of using the negative traits of their opponents against them without being ruled by the anger that often overtakes those who witness the brutal and cruel acts of others.

Importantly for us, there are many stories of kindness associated with these three great war leaders. They were not perfect, for there were times when each was not kind. But each did try, and that makes them good examples for those of us who are trying to be kind but do not always succeed.

Second, I remind myself that the other person is hurting in some way. I do not want to forget that, but I don’t want to be swept into their pain either. Getting swept into their suffering will not help them or me. So I try to be as sympathetic as I can without letting their feelings seep into and infect me.

Some of the most effective political leaders in modern history exemplify this way of responding, such as Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, and Mahatmas Gandhi. Each was involved in a monumental conflict that involved much suffering on both sides, but each was known for many acts of kindness, especially as they got older. Each radiated goodness, and by doing so was able to appeal to the inherent goodness in others, even enemies. That appeal to goodness was, in each case, a core reason for the success of the cause to which they had given their lives.

Without being in positions of political or military power, Florence Nightingale, Teresa of Avila, Mother Teresa, and Harriet Tubman were fierce and effective in working for causes they believed in — while also being known for kindness, especially toward the weak and powerless.

The crucial point is not that you have to be kind to be successful in the world. You do not: I could name many successful leaders about whom stories of kindness are nonexistent, or few and far between. You can have success in the world without being kind.

But success in life — that is another matter altogether. It is much more likely that a person will feel good about themselves and their life if they are kind. History is replete with stories of those who gained wealth or power but were miserable. Over and over the people I read about who felt good about themselves toward the end of their lives had made a sincere effort to understand and respect others. They had tried to be kind, and they were loved and respected. It is they who found a significant degree of fulfillment, no matter the degree of worldly accomplishment.

In short, many people succeed in the world, gain wealth and power, without being kind. But are they happy? Do they ever feel contentment, peace, or joy? Do they feel they have lived meaningful lives? Toward the end, do they experience fulfillment? If we pay attention to the great novelists and playwrights, from the ancient Greeks till today, the answer is no — literature is filled with the disasters such a life brings. A famous quote by Winston Churchill is, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” I think we could also say, “We make a life by being kind.”

Yet modern culture presents many images of the glamor and satisfaction that money, indulgence, and possessions bring. Behind the curtain, however, if you read about the real lives of those “successes” we see on our screens, you find mostly dissatisfaction and unhappiness. The wise ones of all cultures tell us that it is only by attempting to be kind and considerate that we will find fulfillment, meaning, or happiness.

Emanuel Swedenborg said:

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want, and do.

Other people will sometimes be sincere, honest, and considerate, and sometimes they will not. The only fulfilling path through is to accept that others are both good and bad, kind and cruel, just as we are. Accepting that makes it easier to be kind to others, and to ourselves as well. Those who can put aside cynicism and fear of gullibility, who can let go of concern about being taken advantage of and focus on doing what they can for others, will have better lives. Treating others with respect and consideration will help you feel better about the world and about yourself. To err on the side of naïveté is a small price to pay for a better life and a better world.

Skeptico: Again, your examples are somewhat overwhelming. Can you give me one from your own life that I might be able to follow?

Wisdom Seeker: In dealing with a problem that irritates or upsets me, and then interacting with someone about it, I try to notice the moment when I am about to respond in irritation or anger. If I can pause and try to be kind instead, I always feel better afterward. The fascinating thing is, if I can reach inside and get to that place of kindness within, the resolution of the problem usually turns out better as well. That does not mean I cannot be firm, but I am learning that I can be firm and kind at the same time.

Where Does the Motivation for Kindness Come From?

Skeptico: What is the source of the guidance to be kind that so many wisdom figures give us?

Wisdom Seeker: The best answer I know comes from the saints and sages themselves: All have said it comes from a source greater than the individual mind or ego. All said that they were in touch with a source of wisdom beyond their personal self and were simply conveying that wisdom to us. Each said they’d had a direct encounter with the field or ground of truth that is shared by all, and their message came from that ground.

We can, of course, assert that we know better than they. Some modern theories in psychology, sociology, biology, or neuroscience give other explanations. But there is no proof whatsoever for these views, only speculations, and the wise ones of old would likely offer a kind, knowing smile at these narrow-minded explanations.

For myself, I prefer to listen to the testimony of the saints and sages — that they were in touch with a source of wisdom most of us have not experienced as directly as they. Their words for this Source are the Dharma, the Tao, Yahweh, Ain Sof, Brahman, Allah, the Great Spirit, the Way of Heaven, a Higher Power, Consciousness Itself, God. Some speak of awakening to Buddha-nature, others of hearing the “still, small voice within” that whispers wisdom from a source that is available to all, but to which few listen.

My sense is that at times we each feel the whisper of that voice, urging us to live toward kindness. But we often do not follow it, for our self-centered instincts pull us in the opposite direction. Much of life is about the tug of war between these two currents. Some of us move consistently toward kindness, while others of us frequently take the path in the direction of what Thoreau called “petty fears and petty pleasures.” Choosing between these two currents is a lifelong process, and most of us go back and forth many times.

But here is an encouraging fact: It is never too late to focus your mind, heart, and intention in the direction of being kind. And there is a good chance that it is only by doing so that you will find the ultimate fulfillment of which the wisdom traditions speak.

In light of all the difficulties we face in the world today, these things I know:

1. If there is a way through to a better place in our relations with each other and to a better world, it will be through an increase in understanding, consideration, and respect for each other. And kindness.

2. No matter the state of the world, you have the capacity to increase the amount of kindness in it. Author and poet Ella Wheeler Wilcox put it this way more than a hundred years ago:

So many gods, so many creeds, So many paths that wind and wind, While just the art of being kind, is all this sad world needs.

3. The number and extent of difficulties we face is not the real barrier. The lives of the great souls were all forged on the anvil of difficulty. The characters of the most important exemplars of humanity were molded through trial and tribulation.

4. You must decide if you will live as if you exist within a larger pattern. If there is no larger pattern, then life has no meaning and being kind is a fool’s game — as Nietzsche proclaimed. If he was right, power is the ultimate force in the world, and the only reason to be kind is as a charade, using it as a tool to manipulate others to get what you want.

The other possibility is that we are inextricably connected to others and to the whole, and not doing what we can for others will send our own life trajectories inexorably down toward meaninglessness and a lonely death. The poet Mark Nepo said, in “Keepers of Kindness”:

We are the keepers of light in a sometimes dark world, and … just as dark can extinguish light, a hardness of heart can extinguish kindness. Just as light can enter the dark and, from inside it, allow the darkness to dissipate, kindness can allow a hardness of heart to soften back into love.

Aldous Huxley was a brilliant English writer and philosopher, and one of his life-long projects was to learn and write about what it meant to be human, and the nature of the Mystery within which we exist. He wrote almost fifty books as well as hundreds of essays and poems. At the end of his long life, Huston Smith asked him what he had learned from all his study and explorations. Huxley responded with just six words: “Try to be a little kinder.”

At each moment we have the chance to move toward kindness and away from seeking power; toward goodness and away from anger and greed. We can make an effort to refrain from putting negative energy into the world and choose instead to be kind as often as we can. One of the most shared and inspiring stories of all time is A Christmas Carol, in which Ebenezer Scrooge goes from being the epitome of self-centeredness to being kind. The result is an explosion of joy, meaning, and fulfillment in his life overnight.

Thought Experiment — Your choice

In stark terms, your choice is between 1) the path of Nietzsche, who said life is about getting as much good stuff for yourself as you can through using power, versus 2) the wisdom traditions, which say there is a broader pattern in which we are inextricably connected to others and to universal forces, and the meaning of life is to bring ourselves into harmony with that. Which will you choose?

Practice Kindness Every Day

The wonderful thing about the practice of being kind is that it doesn’t require extra time or any tools. It does not require any special talents or skills, and it does not involve long-range plans. You do not have to accomplish great things to be successful, or bring about radical change. You only need to do little things as often as you can as you go through your day. Mother Teresa said: “We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.”

Many “big things” people attempt are more about their egos and their ambitions than about others. William James saw this clearly in his later years:

I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big success. I am for those tiny, invisible, loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many rootlets, or like the capillary oozing of water, which, if given time, will rend the hardest monuments of pride.

Being kind is doing little things for those who cross our path each day — it is as simple as a friendly word, a smile, a sympathetic ear. If each of us would take the small opportunities to be kind that arise, moment by moment, the world would be a radically better place. Right here, right now, each of us can offer kindness to those we meet, even if it is but a word or a smile. This is captured well in a poem by Danusha Laméris, “Small Kindnesses”:

I’ve been thinking about the way, when you walk down a crowded aisle, people pull in their legs to let you by. Or how strangers still say “bless you” when someone sneezes …
And sometimes, when you spill lemons from your grocery bag, someone else will help you pick them up. Mostly, we don’t want to harm each other.
We want to be handed our cup of coffee hot, and to say thank you to the person handing it. To smile at them and for them to smile back.
For the waitress to call us honey when she sets down the bowl of clam chowder, and for the driver in the red pick-up truck to let us pass.
We have so little of each other, now. So far from tribe and fire. Only these brief moments of exchange.
What if they are the true dwelling of the holy, these fleeting temples we make together when we say, “Here, have my seat,” “Go ahead — you first,” “I like your hat.”

To be kind does not require focusing on any of the big problems of the world. You might or might not do that, but in the meantime all you need do is develop an intention to be kind — and begin. Just do as much as you can each day. Who knows, one small thing you do might make a big difference in someone’s life. Or in many lives.

In California in 1982, Anne Herbert scrawled the words “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” on a place mat in a restaurant. The idea spread, and the reaction was so great that it led to a non-profit foundation to encourage kindnesses. A book was published in 1993 entitled Random Acts of Kindness, in which true stories of acts of kindness were shared. It was so successful that several other books followed.

At one gathering of the organization, those who had been the recipients of acts of kindness told “fascinating and powerful stories of kindnesses done to and for them.” Someone had noticed that almost all the stories in the books were told by recipients, with none from those who had done the good deeds. So at this gathering, some of those who had done the good deeds reported in the books were asked to speak.

But they had little to say. Most said a few words and sat down. Gradually it became clear that the reason the authors of the books had been flooded with stories from recipients and not from those who had done kind deeds was simple:

The quality of the experience was dramatically different. The person on the receiving end experienced what was often a life-altering moment, whereas the giver experienced a less dramatic, quiet affirmation of simply having “done the right thing.”

If they remembered it at all. In a study done of this phenomenon, it was clear that an act of kindness that seems very small to the person doing it can have an extraordinary impact on the receiver. For those receiving acts of kindness,

… experiences that happened years ago were every bit as powerful in the retelling. Just a simple story about a single act that occurred twenty years before frequently called forth a deep well of emotion.

On the other hand, those who performed the acts of kindness often did not even remember them, or when they did, had not registered them as significant. A story from More Random Acts of Kindness:

I did not go through my teenage years gracefully. I was overweight and pear-shaped — with glasses, braces, and acne. My self-consciousness was aggravated by my little sister who was younger, and very pretty. With apple cheeks and long auburn ringlets people would stop us on the street just to admire her. One day one of my mother’s friends, whom I adored because she was so sophisticated and stylish, and because she always treated me as a person rather than as a child, complimented me on my eyebrows. She told me that they were so dark and beautifully shaped that they made me look very exotic.

Forty years later that single compliment given so freely and sincerely to a child who did not feel at all attractive still fills my heart with gratitude.

William Penn, the Quaker who had a profound influence on early America, captures what you can do right now perfectly:

If there is any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not deter or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.

Being Kind Can Be Hard

Being kind isn’t always easy, though — it can require courage, determination, and the confidence to act. Life presents many challenges, and part of our deep nature is to respond by taking care of ourselves.

But I also think we feel, at the core of our being, a call to be loving, kind, and compassionate. It is always present, but we do not always answer that call. In fact, we often respond more readily to the urge to take care of ourselves and get what we want. Even when the call to be kind does break through, many of us pay little attention because we are caught up in the details of our daily lives, or we sense it will not be easy.

It might not be easy. Life brings many “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” Sometimes even “a sea of troubles.” We cannot avoid them all. The question is, what will we do then? Will we become bitter and angry, lashing out at others? Will we give up? Or will we learn and grow and become more compassionate and kind? Some lines from “Kindness,” a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye capture this powerfully:

Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things,
What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say “It is I you have been looking for,” and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friend.

(The full poem: https://poets.org/poem/kindness)

Skeptico: I thought some people were just kind by nature, and others not.

Wisdom Seeker: Not at all. If you decide to be kind, and practice, it will grow in you. Some people become increasingly callous in response to the pains of life, but others respond by being intentionally more kind. If you cultivate kindness, it will grow and flourish in you and around you. Ritchie Davidson of the University of Wisconsin has studied kindness for many years, and compares practicing kindness and compassion to weight training: “People can actually build up their compassion ‘muscle’ and respond to others’ suffering with care and a desire to help.”

The Fruits of Kindness

As you make an effort to be kind, a cardinal rule to keep in mind: If your motive is to get other people to do something for you, it is not kindness. It is self-interest. Confucius said: “Act with kindness but do not expect gratitude.” If you are looking for gratitude, you are simply offering a deal to the other person, a transaction, and you will immediately start calculating whether your reward was sufficient. This destroys the possibility of any true value flowing back to you from your kindness.

At the same time, many fruits grow on the tree of kindness if you cultivate it properly. Confucius taught: “He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own.”

It is a fine line: If you do something for someone because you are seeking a reward for yourself, that is not kindness. But deciding to be kind because you want to be a good person and hope being kind will improve your overall life, that is wisdom — because when you are kind to others, dramatic positive results will flow into your life. You will become a different person — less self-centered, more caring and considerate.

And of utmost importance, you will begin to live in the field of kindness every day. If you radiate kindness to others each day, you will constantly live in a field that is permeated by kindness — no matter what anyone else is doing or saying around you. You will be generating that field within yourself, and experiencing it continually.

There is, in fact, good reason to believe that what we encounter coming toward us from the world are the very attitudes and feelings around which we have organized our own lives. Modern psychology calls it projection. If we are suspicious, hostile, interested only in getting what we want for ourselves, that is how other people will seem to us. The Buddhist and Hindu ideas of karma suggest the same. Insofar as this is true, the best way to change what we experience, the best way to encounter a kinder, more compassionate world is to change our own views and our actions toward others.

You cannot force anyone to be kind to you. Some of the people you encounter will not be kind. If you respond with the same energy they are directing toward you, you will end up experiencing disappointment, resentment, or anger a lot of the time. And you will be allowing the worst people you encounter to control how you feel. This path leads to a closed heart.

On the other hand, if you live from kindness, no matter what others are doing or saying, you will continually be living in the field of kindness. A side benefit will be that others will want to be with you and around you, and they are more likely to be kind themselves, for the power of kindness is great. As the comedian Whoopi Goldberg put it: “When you are kind to someone in trouble, you hope they’ll remember and be kind to someone else. That it’ll become like a wildfire.”

That others will respond to kindness in a positive way is not certain. Even when you are being kind, some people will be hostile or mean in the face of it. But it is much less likely they will act negatively toward you if you are being kind. More likely they will treat you with kindness in return.

Another story from Random Acts of Kindness:

I used to make an eighty-mile drive to visit my parents. One forty-mile stretch of the road is in the middle of nowhere. One day as I was driving alone along this barren patch, I saw a family on the side of the road with a flat tire. Normally I do not stop in such situations, but for some reason I felt the need to do so that day.

The family was very relieved when I volunteered to drive them to a gas station about ten miles down the road to get help. I left them at the station because the attendant said he would take them back to their car and drove on my way. About twelve miles later I had a blowout. Since I couldn’t change the tire myself, I was stranded and not sure what to do.

But in only about ten minutes along came a car and it pulled over to offer help. It was the same family I had stopped for earlier that day.

A Practice

Form an image of what it would be like to go through each day with the intention of being as kind as you can be to each person you meet.

If you can keep in mind that you are trying to be kind and wish to do the little things that come up as often as you can, you and your life will change, perhaps radically.

Some Ways To Explore Kindness

A great example of someone who set out to discover if kindness is still active in the world comes from a former stockbroker named Leon Logothetis. He left his unfulfilling job and set off on an adventure, deciding to see if he could survive on kindness and if that would lead to a more meaningful life. In 2005, he left Los Angeles on an old motorbike and began a journey around the world, relying only on the kindness of strangers for gas, shelter, and food. He recounts his adventures in The Kindness Diaries: One Man’s Quest to Ignite Goodwill and Transform Lives Around the World. (Spoiler alert — the journey was not easy, but he succeeded in achieving both goals. Don’t, however, let knowing the result dissuade you from reading the dramatic and moving story.)

An excellent book that discusses kindness in a deep and insightful way:

The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life, written by noted psychotherapist and philosopher Piero Ferrucci.

A short video about testing kindness: Sleeping on strangers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzQ4FZTmR8s

Another short video about the power of doing little things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT-HBl2TVtI

Music video by the non-profit organization, Empty Hands Music:

“Being Kind”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJhZ64BvvFU

Web site focused on kindness, Kindspring: Global Movement of Kindness

https://www.kindspring.org/

An organization that promotes kindness and service to others:

ServiceSpace: https://www.servicespace.org/